Web Master of Om

VOMBO '96

The Cast of Characters:

Web Master (webmaster@odyssey.org):

A very good and very wise man who, in spite of himself, finds himself in the land of Om. For the sake of the problem, Web is running for the office of president of an OM booster organization. The hackers would like to have the position for themselves.

Dorothy (dgail@cutekid.com):

A very good Iowa farm girl in search of herself. Dorothy spends much of her spare time on her laptop named, appropriately enough, Toto. Toto can normally be found as toto.iastate.edu.

Scarecrow (no registered address):

Appears to be pretty brainless hence the name, CPUless. Largely because of this, the scarecrow has been unable to get past a regional competition.

Aluminum Man (Al@Woodsman.com):

A resident of Om who gets out electronically but, does not have the heart of OM due to lack of a good browser.

Lion (notSimba@aol.com):

A resident of OM who fancies himself as an artist. He needs to get out more.

Director:

The director is a very no nonsense person. There is no question about who is in charge. Everyone jumps to task when the director demands it and demand it she does.

Assistant Director:

The assistant is a pain in the butt. This character follows the director around like they are Siamese twins. If the director turns around, they collide. The other annoying trait is that the assistant is very PC and doesn't hesitate to point out infractions.

An OM official:

This person is outfitted as an OM official. T-shirt, outlandish hat, clip board and a stopwatch. This is the OM judge of team's nightmares. He has not a compassionate bone in his body. Now known as Official Nightmare.

Announcer:

Think Gary Owens of Laugh-In with his hand cupped to his ear.

Hacker:

A computer hacker, the bad guy of our story, he is running against Web Master to be president of VOMBO.

Stage hands:

To do stagehand stuff.

Identified Props:

Large clock face with a single hand.

In OM parlance, it must be visible from 25 feet.

3 Laptop computers (props, of course).

About a dozen cans of Silly String.

Clipboard and stopwatch for OM official.

Tornado

House, about 2' square

Blue handicapped wheelchair placard

4 billiard balls

Sack or bag containing:

AOL trial membership package (large flashy one), Netscape Navigator box and Envelope labeled CAOM.

Cable and pulley to fly the house in on

Strobe light

Large notebook with prop script

Clipboard

Hacker doll, the size of a GI Joe or Ken

Background

Our intrepid cast has prepared to present the new 2400 baud hit (if this were real theater, they would be so far off of Broadway that they would be in New Jersey) when they are presented with a significant problem. There is a time limit. A very short time limit.

The Setting:

Comercial #1

Announcer:

(Lots of enthusiasm) This live performance is brought to you by team VOMBO - The Virtual OM Booster Organization. VOMBO was conceived, planned and produced using the Internet.

In cyberspace, just as in real life, the search for knowledge, truth, beauty and Waldo begins at home.

Scene 1

Official:

OK, let's get on with it we're behind schedule already and we can't have that. I hope that you have seen all the clarifications.

Director:

(Turns, running into the assistant. She pushes the assistant aside)
Clarifications? What clarifications?

Official:

(Pulls the cover off the object on stage, revealing a large clock face with a single hand and says with a menacing voice)
You'll see! Team Ready?

Director:

(Turns and runs into the Assistant who has conveniently resumed hovering.)
OK people, places. Do it like you rehearsed. Ready!

Official:

(does a sweeping downward motion, starting his watch)
You have TWO minutes, BEGIN!

Director:

(turns and runs into the assistant. Waves a large script and approaches the official shouting)
Two minutes?! Two Minutes?! How are we supposed to put on a serious performance in two minutes?

Official:

(shrugs and turns his attention to the large clock. The official will continue to consult the watch and adjust the clock until later)

Assistant:

(More as a question than a suggestion)
We could just skip parts of the play.

Director:

Ideas people. Where should we start?

Dorothy:

(Steps forward while the rest of the cast get into places for later. She starts to sing)
Somewhere, over the rainbow...

Director:

(Again shouting cuts Dorothy off in mid warble)
NICE SONG, CUE THE STORM!

Assistant:

We really don't have enough time for more than a duct tape tornado.

(A tall OM'ish tornado composed of PVC pipe and duct tape is seen passing in front of the cast.)

Director:

(Slightly exasperated)
We have to get her out of Iowa. This is OM. BE CREATIVE!

(The cast rushes to a huddle on Dorothy)

All:

(Yelling)
BRAINSTORM! (All fire ideas at her until the house comes into view.)

Assistant:

(Picks up house and plops it down a couple feet away)
You can't put it there, that's a handicap zone.

Director:

There is supposed to be a witch under the house. Where is the witch?

Assistant:

I'm sorry but, you can't use witches. They are a protected group.

Director:

(shows page from script that says in letters that span the whole page "WITCH DIES")
It says "WITCH DIES", what am I supposed to use?

Assistant:

A hacker would be good. They cause lots of trouble for people on the Internet and they aren't organized in a union or anything.

Director:

OK bring in the wicked hacker from the East.

Director:

(If looks could kill stare at the assistant)
Great PC work!

(to no one in particular)
Cue the Munchkins!

Assistant:

(Lofty better than you lilt)
No munchkins!

Director:

Can't use'em?

Assistant:

(Shakes head proudly)
Nope.

Director:

(Throws arms in the air)
Oh, give me a break!

[In the background, the director is feverishly paring away pages of the script. Pages fly and he laughs and shakes his head that no one will be able to see these parts of the play.]

Announcer:

(As before) "Web Master is a proven leader in providing OM information on the World Wide Web. Web Master stands for expanding the sharing of information to all OMers through the use of the Internet. Web Master, the candidate who brought OM to you through the Internet....(slide show ends with the Campaign page showing the vote count)....Join the 2057 OMers world wide who have already cast a vote for Web Master!"

Your votes are important. A freak accident has lead to the untimely demise of one of the hacker who was vieing for the position. One still remains and will be a threat to the Web until his plans are thwarted.

---

Scene 2

Director:

(Punches the words out, very exasperated)
Since this has to be quick, we have had to give up a few things like CHARacter DEVElopment. These are your friends, you'll need them.

(Each character is pushed forward gently by the director and introduced.)

Director:

(Pushes scarecrow forward)
This is scarecrow. Her name is CPUless. That should just about cover it.

Scarecrow:

(Waves and has a vacant look)
Howdie

Director:

(Now Al)
This is Aluminum man. He is searching for the heart of OM.

Al:

(Nods head)

Director:

(Lion)
And this is lion. He fancies himself as an artist.

Lion:

(In a very bad French accent)
Bonjour (rhymes with conjur), bonjour. Yes, I am a French Impersonist!

Dorothy:

Don't you mean French IMPRESSIONIST?

Lion:

No, no! I am a French impersonist. I impersonate French Impressionists. This week, I am Toulouse LaTreck!

Dorothy:

More like To loose your lunch to me.

Director:

(Seizing control again)

If we had munchkins (sends withering look at the Assistant), they would tell you to Follow the ARPA Backbone to see Web Master and get this all straightened out.

Principles:

(They go off singing)
Oh, we're off to see Web Master, the wonderful webmaster of Om!

(The official obviously advances the clock. The director is seen conspiring with the stage hands.)

Scene 3

Dorothy:

(Looking around)
Wow, this is some place. It looks like John Jivery was here in some incredible feat.

Lion:

I hope I don't see Rhinos!

Dorothy:

Oh Mr. Master? Yahoo!

Web:

(Appearing in formal spider attire with Remo, the raccoon in similar attire, perched on his hat)
Yes, you hit my home page? (Spreads arms to reveal 8, no 10 legs)

Dorothy:

We have a few requests (points at each in turn) brain, heart, courage, home.

Web:

(Looks at the Director)
Just like that? Not fawning? No plot development?

Web:

(Speaking imperiously)
The great and powerful Web Master of OM has every intention of granting your requests. But first, you must prove yourselves worthy. Track down the evil hacker of the West and foil his evil plots. Bring me his keyboard as proof that you have succeeded in this mission. (Softens tone) The quest will be dangerous. The only thing that I can give you is time in a can. I gather it from all the browsers. Spray this on anything and time for it will slow to a crawl. (Once again, imperiously)
Now Go!

Scene 4

Al:

How do we find a hacker?

Lion:

Where do we look?

Dorothy:

Break out the laptops. We can find him.

Lion:

I don't see him. I don't see anyone.

Al:

Its no use. All I have is a text mode browser.

Dorothy:

(Starts "typing" furiously)
I think I see him...Yes, there he is...

(crestfallen) Oh no!...He's protecting himself in a structured programming object...I don't think I can break in!

Scarecrow:

Structure? He's in a structure? I know what to do. Maybe these will help.

Dorothy:

Yes, that's done it! I can see him. He's here!

Hacker:

I'm winding, I'm winding.

Scene 5

(The heroes return, Hacker's keyboard in hand, to see Web Master.)

Dorothy:

The hacker won't trouble you again.

Web:

(Surprised at their success and that they are back)

Oh? What did you do to him?

Dorothy:

We encapsulated him.

Web:

(Smiling)

Oh, good technique! Now that you have defeated the hackers and made the web safe for VOMBO, what are you going to to do?

All:

We're goin' Cruzin'!

Dorothy:

(curtseys .... We have to get this on tape. I wanna see Bruce do this in heels!)

So, what about our requests?

Web:

(Approaching the scarecrow)

Crushing the hacker's structure at just the right movement showed that you do have a brain. It was just not powerful enough. This 286 to Pentium upgrade should do it!

(wacks her on the forehead sticking a label done up as a chip to it.)

Scarecrow:

(In awe)

Cool dude! Hey! Beam me up Scotty!

Web:

(Approaching the Al)

The heart of OM is difficult enough to find had an up to date browser. Here is Netscape 2.0. You can visit the VOMBO Campaign page anytime.

Al:

(Shakes one of Web's hands)

Thank's!

Web:

(Approaching the lion)

As for you my friend, you just need to be with people who appreciate your talents more. Here is a subscription to AOL and instructions to join the CAOM listserver. The have discussed duplicating art.

(Web now approaches Dorothy)

Dorothy:

I don't think you have anything in your bag for me.

Web:

Not so fast. I have a way with webs. Close your eyes and click those ugly shoes together three times and repeat after me. There's no place like home.... There's no place like home.

Dorothy:

(Follows along as instructed)

There's no place like home....
There's no place like home.